Thoughts of Te Paki

There was nothing I loved more than making him smile. I let myself forget my own needs, and when he left I had to learn how to love making myself smile again, so I bought a plane ticket and flew halfway across the world to collapse on a hot beach by a fresh water stream. I watched the water flow past me and towards the ocean, taking on a new taste and a new meaning. I wish I could tell you that finding a new meaning was as easy as floating into new waters, but sadly; we're not streams.

We're tornados. Hurricanes. One moment, we're calm and collected, and in the blink of an eye we become destructive. Our minds spiral out of control and it's hard to stay focused on the initial plans we once had.

The journey to self discovery is about more than just doing this trail. It's about how the trail can move you and help you see. I came here to learn about who I am and to forget about who I was. Although the past holds many lessons, sometimes the thoughts of the eyes I used to hold and the laughter I used to receive hurts more than imaginable. Every blister, every rug burn, every bug bite, every shin pain, every tired night and early morning was chosen for me because in some sentimental and artistic way, they're harder to deal with than the night I lost myself.

There's a reason my path led me here, and I'm going to find it. I'm going to push every ounce of who I am to become who I want to be. I will find the bigger picture through this journey.

Just like that stream, I will become the ocean.

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