Today was officially one of the hardest days of my life. Not because of a blister on my foot, or a shin splint. Not because the sun was hot and my water was low.
It wasn't any those things because none of those happened. Nothing bad happened today. It was a great day in Wellington, where I stood in the Te Papa museum and admired all of the art. I walked up a mountain to the top of Victoria and looked out at the whole city. I breathed in fresh air and felt the sun shine on my being.
Today was the hardest day of my life because I've finally come to terms with the fact that I don't know why I'm here. I miss home. I miss Canada. I miss my family and my friends. I miss my cat. I miss having my own apartment. I miss driving my (almost) own car. I miss going out for food and not worrying about the bill. I miss dressing up and confidently walking down the street. I miss having an income. I miss having my own space.
And I hate that I miss most of those things.
Traveling has always been a dream of mine, but I believe deep down that I chose the wrong way of going about it. I was so determined to hike this beautiful country, that when I realized I wasn't happy doing it - I felt as if I'd wasted countless months and thousands of dollars.
I planned vigorously for this thru hike only to give up a quarter of the way through. My itinerary changed so rapidly in ways I'd never expected. Although I've loved every adventure I've been on, I can't help but feel like this isn't what I'm here for. Something so deep down in my gut is telling me my journey here is almost over, to the point where I feel emotion straight to my core.
A painful emotion that resides so far into my soul that I think I've finally figured out how to feel again.
South Island, tell me I'm just crazy.